Hopefully a Weak Chin is Not a Sign of Evil

OK, this is how FOX News reeled me in. With a story on how chin implants are on the rise.

I would totally get a chin implant. I have a very, very weak chin that is only becoming even less pronounced and soft with age.

You cannot sit there and tell me she doesn't look better with a chin.

But I didn’t even get to read that story because this story caught my attention the minute the page popped up: Brazil Cannibal Sect Makes Human-Filled Empanadas

Lesson here: stomach trumps improved appearance in Poe Land.

This story is truly horrific, if only because I too like empanadas.

Three people accused of killing at least three women in the northeastern Brazilian state of Pernambuco said they ate some of their victims’ flesh and also used it to make the empanadas they sold to their neighbors, police said Friday.

OK, ewwww. And their reasoning? Apparently a “voice” told them these women were evil. Yep, when all other excuses fail, go for that old standby “a voice in my head told me to do it.” That’s the excuse I use around the house for most things. “What’s that? Why didn’t I scoop the catbox today? Well, a voice in my head told me cat poop is evil.”

(Actually, that might be true, especially since Petunia is indeed evil and ergo, whatever exits her must be evil as well. Maybe I should squint my eyes and listen more carefully for that particular voice).

Also, I wonder which celebrity chef this internal “voice” sounded like. I’m guessing Anthony Bourdain. My second guess would be Nigella Lawson. Man, I love that woman. If she told me to do something (well, most things) in her smooth dulcet British tones, I might be tempted to comply.

And, for some reason, the idea of a “voice” makes me think of that television show The Voice. Do you think these three cannibals thought they were on some whacked out version of The Voice (capital T and V as opposed to just “a voice.”)? Were they perhaps expecting Christina Aguilera to spin around and ask them to be on her Empanada Team?

This is a girl who enjoys an empanada.

I love how police were tipped off to these activities. It truly belongs in the “no duh” file.

Investigations of the three began last month after Jorge Beltrao Negromonte da Silveira, 51, identified himself as the author of a 2009 book, “Revelations of a Schizophrenic,” in which he reveals details of the supposed sect’s activities.

So, all it took was a book confession that goes into grisly detail about three murders (including details of where they buried the remains) to launch an investigation in Brazil? Man, those Brazilian police are on the case. Just three years after the book came out no less. What was it? Did the book title raise some eyebrows, maybe?

And who exactly was the book publisher who greenlighted that concept? Random Homicide (a division of Random House)? HarperKillings (an imprint of HarperCollins?)

Actually, it wasn’t even the book that tipped these guys off.

The cannibalistic trio was tracked down after one of the women was arrested and police discovered she was in possession of one of the victim’s credit card, according to the Press Association.

One thing’s for sure: I will not be having empanadas anytime soon.

Nigella, you are such a temptress.