Petunia Archives - Page 2 of 3 - Poe Communications

The Many Faces of Toonces

Posted on April 19, 2012July 19, 2017 by thepoelog

Petunia, for those who have not met her, is kinda bipolar.

She hasn’t been diagnosed or anything, but she’s definitely very two-faced.

Table Toons — Are you there God? It’s me, Petunia.

There are basically two Petunia’s – there’s Princess Petunia Potpie, the sweet little calico who follows me around all morning, twirling around my ankles, rubbing her face against mine while I’m trying to sleep.

Sleepy Toons — This is the photo you’re looking for. Most of the other pets are awake, so that should help you identify the Toons.

Then there’s the Petunia that my co-pet-parenting significant other XFE knows – a snarling, hissing she-beast who runs whenever he enters the room and scowls at him from between the banisters of the stairs.

Angry Toons — I’m about to show you the meaning of ‘cat scratch fever.’

It’s hard for me to reconcile the two.

I found Petunia at about six weeks old, hiding under a car while I was living on the East side of Austin. It was April and already warm, but being a poor college student, I wasn’t quite ready to turn the air conditioner on, so I had the windows of my studio apartment open. I kept hearing a noise that I thought was an annoying baby bird chirping. After about a day and a half of hearing the noise, I became convinced it was actually a scared and lonely cat mewing somewhere.

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA — Baby Petunia was a fraction of the size of this current beast. But still very cute.

After several frustrating hours on my stomach in the asphalt parking lot and lots of sweat and tears, I finally coaxed out a tiny furball covered in grease and fleas.

She’s been my precious little Petunia blossom ever since. How do I know this?

She comes running downstairs when I get home in the evening.
She sits in the window and sadly watches me leave for work every morning.
Don’t leave me!
She sits on the toilet enjoying a steam facial while I shower every morning (I like my showers SCALDING).
She sleeps with me in the winter and when XFE is out of town.
She watches me while I iron on Sundays.
She lays on the computer or a book if I’m reading and not paying attention to her.
She shares the couch with me every night while we watch TV.
She lets me pick her up and rub my face all over her exposed belly.
She lets (and actually loves it) if I pet her while she eats. Most animals are weird and protective about their food, but she purrs away and eats faster.

But she’s a very divisive figure in our household. XFE started off not really liking cats. In fact, he said he was allergic to cats. But, he’s warmed up to her over the years. He’s seen the special relationship Petunia and I share, the affectionate cuddles, and well, he wants a piece of the action. He wants to, oddly enough, pet the cat once in a while.

This, however, is not meant to be.

Paw licker — Sorry I’m not sorry that I’m saving all my love for Poe.

XFE, Petunia and I have lived together for about six years. And even after all that time, she’s never warmed up to XFE. This despite the fact that (a) he’s very cuddly; and (b) he’s never been anything but gentle and nice to her. However:

When he tries to pet her, she leans away.
When he actually succeeds in making contact, she actually looks like she’s in physical pain.
If I’m holding her in my arms like a wiggly captive so XFE can pet her, she flinches every time he touches her. Flinches. Her skin and fur actually shirks away.
She will swipe at him (but to be fair, she’ll swipe at me too when she’s over it).
She’ll hiss at him (again, to be fair, she also apparently hissed at Amy when she was pet sitting for us and Amy is just about the sweetest, most gentle person on the planet.)
She’ll growl at him.

And in her latest passive-aggressive (or should I say, just aggressive-aggressive) move, Petunia has taken to sitting in XFE’s chair whenever he’s not in it. So if he makes the mistake of getting up to get something to drink, or go to the bathroom, she flies (not an easy feat for such a large cat) down the stairs and across the dining room and jumps in his chair. Where she will then start furious licking her privates. And glare at you if you come near her.

Petunia will, however, let XFE pet her, grudgingly, if he gives her treats. She’s angry, not stupid. Her affection can be bought with treats. Maybe we should put some anti-bipolar meds in those treats.

Calm Down Everybody, Petunia’s Fine

Posted on February 29, 2012February 28, 2012 by thepoelog

There have been a number of questions about my trip: Are you excited? Are you all packed? Where are you going to go? What are you going to do? Can you bring back a koala (requested now by two separate people. The answer is: I’ll do my best.)

But more than anything, I get asked, “What about Petunia?”

Believe me, I spend more time worried about the cat than I do my own vacation (OK, probably not entirely true. Probably not even partially true. But I do indeed stress about it).

Most of the time, honestly, we just put out extra food and an additional cat box. Lately, we’ve taken to leaving the cable box and stereo on (and the actual TV off) so there’s some human voices resonating through the house (we leave it on Bravo, naturally.)

We travel a lot and she’s gotten quite used to us being gone for days (well, as used to it as a non-verbal entity can be. Let’s just say she doesn’t complain).

Plus, Petunia ignores us pretty hard core even when we’re home. In fact, she’s not too fond of us putting our hands all over her without permission and at very specific times. For example, she likes me to pet her while she gobbles down her kibble. She’s really into it. She’ll even let my cat-neglected co-cat-parent XFE pet her when she eats on occasion. And she’s really aloof and surly when it comes to him. (She also likes it when I sing Sir Mix-a-Lot’s “Baby Got Back” to her. Which I do.)

So suffice it to say, Petunia’s ok with us being gone for a couple of days. And, she usually pays us back with excessive neediness when we return, such as head-butting us while we sleep. Weaving in and out of our legs while we try to walk from room to room. Insisting that bathroom doors be left open while we’re on the toilet.

But for a longer trip, we try to have someone stop by and let her know she hasn’t been abandoned. Usually, it’s the maid, but this time, we’re trying something different. Former Running Buddy Amy (“Former” because we’re on winter running hiatus. Actually, Amy is. I’m a treadmill slave4eva), will be stopping by and checking in on the Princess. Amy lives very close to us and her kitchen is being completely renovated, so the whole deal works out well for both of us.

So you can all stop worrying about Petunia. If anything, you should worry about Amy. Just look how creepy Petunia looked when I left (yesterday? Wait, what day is it?) morning. Licking her chops and glowing eyes? Amy better look out. (I have no idea why this picture is so small. Click on it and maybe it’ll get bigger)

On Today’s Agenda

Posted on February 28, 2012February 27, 2012 by thepoelog

So, we’ll be doing a bit of this today.

It’s a pretty exciting day. I haven’t had a full night’s sleep in weeks. I’m pretty sure I’m going to sleep throughout the entire vacation from sheer exhaustion.

We’ve been planning this 32,000 mile trip for almost a year. We used 320,000 United miles to fly first class, all the way, first on Luftansa and then on Thai Royal Airways. Half the fun is just going to be getting there and back.

I’m really going to miss this munchkin. But even though we both have ginormous rolling duffel suitcases, there just wasn’t room for her. Don’t worry. Petunia Pot Pie will be watched over by ~~Running Buddy~~ Amy, although Her Royal Catness is pretty independent and doesn’t need much attending.

She’s soooo much cuter and only slightly safer than these guys.

What the hell. I mean, seriously. What. The. Hell. Words almost fail me. In case you can’t make it out, that’s one oddly named shark (tasseled wobbegone) eating another oddly named shark (brownbanded bamboo). Not just eating, but swallowing it whole.

That’s just jacked.

Oh, and just guess where this oddity of nature took place? If you guessed the Great Barrier Reef in Australia, you’d be right.

Bon Voyage, indeed.

Going Forward, Toons Will Be Named ‘Speckled Oak’

Posted on January 9, 2012June 30, 2017 by thepoelog

Hello there my little kitty cats. Yes, I did steal that from Brandi Granville of RHoBH fame. She’s fantastic. Although, I don’t think it would hurt her to put a bra on once in a while, but that’s just me. (I hear Victoria’s Secret is having a sale right now, Brandi. Might wanna look into that.)

Brandi-Glanville-RHOBH[1]

We had a very productive and fun weekend at the Poe House.

We celebrated the birth of, if not the name of (Blue Ivy? Blech. Sounds like some sort of skin condition), the newest member of hip hop royalty.

Prosecco

This trip is coming up incredibly close and extremely fast. So we did some trip planning. While enjoying the daisies.

Daisies

Cue the “holy crap we have a trip coming up” insomnia. Not for Toons though. She’s getting plenty of sleep.

Sweater

There was ironing, of course. Per usual, Petunia was less than helpful.

ironing

I went for my first run in 2012. Actually, my first run since the Las Vegas Rock N Roll extravaganza. And man, it’s amazing to me how quickly you lose any type of conditioning whatsoever. Needless to say, it was not a pretty run. No land speed records were broken during my three-mile jaunt (I refuse to call it a run). Petunia got her workout on later in the evening on her scratching board. Actually, she just lays on it. She and I have very similar workout philosophies.

Scratching

The weekend was capped off with football and XFE’s amazingly awesome Old Bay wings. Senorita Fluff-N-Stuff was there, but was just too tired to watch football. All that running and Tebowing and repeated challenges just wore her out. I agree. I miss the RedZone too.

Wings

Anyone else do anything fun this weekend? Didn’t it feel like it just flew by?

Way More Cheerful Than Yesterday’s Post

Posted on December 28, 2011November 30, 2017 by thepoelog

Our rather Rubenesque (no need to get a dictionary: it’s a nice way of saying chubby) cat Petunia has quite a few nicknames. Including, Princess Petunia Potpie, Toonces, iToonie (or ay Toonie if we’re feeling Spanish) and, as you may be able to surmise from the picture below, DJ Speckle Cat.

DJ in da house

Because, as you can see, she’s a calico, which is all speckle-y. And because she likes to sit on couches and chairs with her chest leaning against the arm of the couch or chair and her paws on top, as if she were sitting at a turntable about to spin some jams. Or help the clubgoers fall in love again (thanks Usher). Or whatever the kids are calling it these days.

Anyway, that’s one of her nicknames. And then today, my fellow cat-parent-for-life XFE sent me the link to this fabulous item today:

Oh hell yeah. It’s a scratching box. For a cat. A DJ cat. Obviously it was designed for DJ Stripey Cat, but I think our MixMaster iToonies could also rock it.

AND IT SPINS.

Day = instantly brightened.

Bah Humbug. Bring on the New Year’s Champagne

Posted on December 27, 2011July 6, 2017 by thepoelog

Christmas is finally, FINALLY over. Thank Amazon.com, JCrew, and the other retail gods.

Toons yawn — “Man, I’m exhausted. Did you see those sales at Petco?”

Bummed Toons — “Wait. There are gifts? What the hell are you complaining about then?”

See, I have what I call “white sheep syndrome.” It’s like a form of survivor’s guilt: I escaped soul-crushing poverty but doing so came at a definite cost. To save myself, I had to leave other people behind and not look back. Specifically, my sister.

My sister has been under- or unemployed for a really, really long time now. Not because she’s lazy (she’s an incredibly hard worker); or because she voted for Obama (I don’t think she’s ever even voted); or because she wants to get government assistance instead of working; or wants to avoid paying taxes.

No, she’s been under- and unemployed because she made different choices than I did. She’s had a combination of bad luck, trusted the wrong people at times and mostly, put other people first. She’s taken on family responsibilities that others (including myself) have walked away from.

So, all I can think about during the holidays is my sister, and others like her who are having a really, really bad time this year. And when I think about that (and that’s all I can think about, basically), I don’t really give a shit about any gift I get or give. Because every pretty wrapped thing is just that….a thing. It doesn’t employ my sister and no gift or bauble gives me any peace of mind.

As you can probably guess, I’m not a lot of fun around Christmas. Luckily, my life-love XFE and his family tolerate me for a few days.

Tongue Toons — “When you’re out of town, it’s a party up in here. I get buzzed on catnip and try tp see how far out I can stick my tongue.”

But there are a few other factors that make it a weird experience. First of all, Vegas at Christmas is a lot colder than most people imagine. That’s because most people go to Vegas in the spring, summer or fall. But as anyone who was there for the RnR earlier this month can attest: Vegas gets cold. Sure, it’s not exactly snow-on-the-ground cold, but it’s definitely not lounging by the pool weather.

Another reason Christmas in Vegas is so weird is because, of course, XFE’s parents don’t live on the Strip. They live in an actual neighborhood, with normal houses. So when you tell folks you’re going to Vegas, they think of the Bellagio or something. What they should be thinking about are stucco houses with xeriscaping.

XFE and I do spend a couple of nights in a hotel on the Strip every year and have a couple’s dinner away from the family. And that’s where another weird aspect to Vegas Christmas comes in: Everything is a lot less crowded. It’s not empty or anything, but there are definitely a lot fewer people. And all the people that are there are mostly people from religions that don’t celebrate Christmas, like Buddhists for example. There are a LOT of Asian people in Vegas over the Christmas.

But one of the most unusual and fun Vegas Christmas traditions I’ve been exposed to over the past few years is Christmas Bingo! Every Christmas, XFE’s family goes to one of the casinos and pays bingo. In previous year’s XFE and his sister have won, but this year, I won $50! Which is awesome. I think I’ll send it to my sister.

Now, let’s move on to the next holiday: New Years! Which I hate a lot less than Christmas. Here’s hoping for a better year for everyone.

Toons on throne — “I actually have some thoughts on ringing in the New Year involving scratching posts and cat treats. Do you mind if I share them with you while you’re in the tub?”

To Quote the Brilliant Britney: Oops, I Did It Again

Posted on December 22, 2011November 30, 2017 by thepoelog

WARNING: This post contains gratuitous cat shots to make up for my idiocy.

Awesome. I’m on the plane on the way to Vegas and I thought I’d write a couple of last blog posts about Vieques. I still want to give a review of the W Vieques and our best meal on the island (which was not Sol Food, although Sol was very good and my co-food-critic-for-life XFE vehemently disputes the two out of four tires rating that Sol got.)

So with tiny child feet kicking the back of my chair for the last two hours (a dad travelling with two small girls is sitting right behind me. Poor him, but more importantly, poor me), I pulled out my trusty little netbook to organize photos and write a couple of posts.

But since I’m an idiot, I don’t have the pictures I need downloaded yet on my netbook. That’s OK, I think as yet another smaller child cries behind me, I have plenty of time to download the pictures. There’s at least two more hours of this awesome flight left. Then, since I’m an even bigger idiot, I realize, I don’t have my camera on me.

That’s right….me, a so-called ‘blogger’ is on her way to Christmas with XFE’s family in Vegas WITHOUT my camera.

XFE is going to bust my chops soooo hard on this one. Classic Poe move. I really soy sauced this one.

So, dear readers, I will try to post over the next couple of days. And they will include some photos. After all, I have quite the folder filled with photos of Petunia. She’s always a winner.

What do you mean I’m NOT going to Vegas? You are dead to me.

Plus, there’s whatever images I can somehow manage to capture with my camera phone. Or XFE’s iPhone which takes way better pictures than my camera anyway. Oooooh, or maybe I’ll give in to all the post-Christmas shopping frenzy and buy a new camera! There’s an idea…..

I am sick of hearing it. Can someone please come get me out of this drawer?

Anyway, I guess we’ll leave those last couple of Vieques posts until next week. Consider it the Poe Log Christmas gift to all of you.

I’m sure you were getting sick of hearing about Vieques anyway. I know Toonie is.

Making the Case for Travel Karma

Posted on October 7, 2011 by thepoelog

Crap. So I actually heard about this story yesterday morning while I was getting ready for work. But then, I got distracted by armadillos coming to DC. Because if anything can distract me from fears of my impending death, it’s a cute armadillo.

A woman from Australia died in a New York helicopter crash. I know what you’re thinking, “Poe, what does that have to do with you?” Well, let me tell you.

Exhibit A: This woman was from Australia. We’re going to Australia next year.

Exhibit B: This woman flew half-way across the globe to celebrate her 40^th birthday. We’re going to Australia to celebrate my 40^th birthday.

Exhibit C: This woman was on a helicopter tour purchased by her partner-in-life. My partner-in-life XFE insists that this is a “gift.”

Exhibit D: This woman was terrified of flying. I’m terrified of being suspended in the air with nothing underfoot. And falling. Very terrified of falling.

HarbourBridge460 — That looks like a very long way to fall. Oh, but there's the road and cars to break my fall, so that's reassuring.

Exhibit E: This woman has been described as a “personality and a half,” and “a tough-as-nails, hardworking woman with a heart of gold.” I’ve been described in decidedly less glowing terms, but similar sentiments, with saltier language.

Exhibit F: This woman used to own a bar called Madame Fling Flong on a King St. We live near a King St. and I would definitely drink at a bar called Madame Fling Flong.

So as you can clearly see, I’m in danger. The parallels are UNCANNY. Basically, I’m worried about some sort of travel karma. Australia, the country, is going to kill me in some sort of blood payment for this poor woman dying on U.S. soil.

Just remember, I posted it here first. Australia + Poe = Revenge Death. Now, who will take Petunia when I’m gone?

Let’s Make Fun of Goop, and By Extension, Ourselves

Posted on September 22, 2011 by thepoelog

I have a bit of a tolerate/hate relationship with Gwyneth Paltrow. A relationship primarily sustained on my fumes of jealousy, quite frankly. And yet, I can’t stop myself from dropping by her lifestyle blog, Goop, once in a while. Mostly because it’s a goldmine of pretentiousness, but it can also be (unintentionally?) funny.

This week, she features an “Emmys Scrapbook” taking us through her day at the Emmys. It starts, pretentiously enough, in Paris. The jealousy cauldron has already begun to bubble and I’m only at the 9:30 spot.

interviews — "What's that? Yes, I have heard of the Poe Log, I read it all the time."

So, in the spirit of Gwynnie, here’s a comparison of our “Emmys Scrapbook” (*note: the Emmys were held on Sunday, September 18, by point of reference).

Gwyneth Paltrow:

9:30 am

My journey to the Emmys starts Saturday morning in Paris where I stayed at the new and very gorgeous hotel Shangri-La Hotel, after a friend’s birthday dinner.

10:13 am

Eurostar back to London

12:32 pm

Have a play at home with the kids before getting everyone ready to go to the airport.

2:00 pm

Airport

4:05 pm

British Airways Flight #269 London Heathrow to LAX

7:05 pm

Arrive at LAX and head straight for my hotel. Lately, when I’m in Los Angeles for work, I’ve been staying at the beautiful and very centrally located Montage. Amazing service! Amazing! … I go right to bed as tomorrow’s an early wake-up.

POE:

6 am

My journey to thePoeLog Awards (someday, that will be a real thing), starts Saturday morning in Old Town where I stayed at the oldish and very quaint La Humble Abode, after XFE’s staged dinner party for my Lucky contributor contest piece (check it out and then register and vote for me!)

7 am

Drag myself to the Run Geek Run 8k.

12:32 pm

Have a play date with a janky, broken iron (it keeps switching itself off!) and two week’s worth of ironing.

7:05 pm

Collapse in front of television with Chipotle salad bowl courtesy of my personal chef XFE. Amazing service! Amazing!

Gwyneth Paltrow:

7:00 am – 9:00 am

I hit the Montage’s gym for a workout.

9:32 am

I stop by Sonya Dakar’s skin clinic for one of her amazing facials so I’m ready for the red carpet.

2:05 pm

Prep for the Emmys begins with David Babaii on hair and Kate Lee on makeup. David and I decide to go for super straight hair.

2:47 pm

I change into my dress and I literally get sewn into it, while Kate finishes up.

2:53 pm

Decisions, decisions … Which of these Neil Lane baubles should I borrow?

2:55 pm

David Babaii helps me get into my shoes. No task is too small for David!

3:50 pm

It’s red carpet time.

4:59 pm

It’s a minute to show time, and I find my seat in the second row (right behind the cast of 30 Rock!) The seat filler before me was sweaty … so my chair was wet. Gross!

5:00 pm

The 63rd Primetime Emmy Awards begin, hosted by Jane Lynch from Glee!

I live for Tina Fey and I love Kenneth from 30 Rock! Wait … why does my arm look like that and since when do I have 9 chins?

7:50 pm

I present the award for “Outstanding Comedy Series.” The teleprompter clearly doesn’t work, so I ad lib.

8:00 pm

The show’s over, and we head to an incredibly delicious dinner at Scarpetta. We did a big pasta tasting with some nice Pinot Nero. Just the thing.

11:10 pm

Bedtime.

POE:

6 – 9 am

I hit the snooze for an arm workout and try to convince XFE that we should sleep in just this once. He disagrees and goes to work. I pout and search for some trashy reality TV marathon, to no avail.

9:32 am

I stop by the Poe skin salon/bathroom for one of my amazing showers so I’m ready for the non-stop chore list. Then I decide there’s no point since I’m just going to get sweaty and dirty, and just brush my teeth.

2:05 pm

Prep for the chores begins with Poe on laundry and Petunia on supervising. Petunia and I decide to go for super loads of laundry.

2:47 pm

I change into bathroom cleaning attire (rubber gloves) and I literally go clean three toilets, while Petunia supervises from various doorways.

2:53 pm

Decisions, decisions … Which of these toilet brushes should I use?

2:55 pm

Petunia helps me with….nothing. No task is too small for Petunia!

3:50 pm

It’s yard work time!.

4:59 pm

It’s a minute to yard work, and I find my place on the back patio (right next to where the Poop Burglar visited us!) The seats of our patio chairs are filled with trillions of wet leaves……that I have to scoop up and remove with my hands. Gross!

5:00 pm

I live for clean kitchens and I love vacuum cleaners from Dyson! Wait … I don’t “like” either of those things and I don’t have a Dyson. Why do I lie like that?

7:50 pm

I present the award for “Outstanding Temporary Cleaning Lady While Maid Is Out Recovering from Surgery.” The teleprompter clearly doesn’t work, so I ad lib. XFE is clearly not amused as I am blocking the view to some football game while giving my acceptance speech. Into a toilet brush, naturally.

8:00 pm

The show’s over, and we head to an incredibly delicious dinner at Café XFE. We did a big plate of leftover crab cakes from staged-dinner-party night with some nice (finished the bottle so I don’t remember) wine. Just the thing.*

11:10 pm

Bedtime.

*It actually was “just the thing.” XFE makes one hell of a crab cake, and an awesome remoulade. We should really stage fake dinner parties more

Like That Time I Was Almost Related to Someone on ‘Big Rich Texas’

Posted on September 21, 2011September 21, 2011 by thepoelog

I was watching an older episode of Big Rich Texas—one of the trashiest and painfully fake reality shows out there, ergo: my favorite—the other night. Suddenly, my couch-snuggle-buddy-for-life and commander of the remote control, XFE turned and asked me, “Did you hear what Melissa’s last name was?”

You see, we were watching the episode where wannabe-model Melissa was at a doctor’s office to discuss a possible weight-loss diet. An extremely limited and dangerous weight watch diet. As her daughter Maddie said, “The 500 calories a day doesn’t seem healthy at all, I mean, I probably consumed that on the car ride over here.”

Anyway, I was so busy looking at Melissa’s lip gloss, I had totally missed the part where the doctor went into the waiting room and called out her name. Turns out: She’s a POE!! Her last name is Poe! The same as mine! And I’m from Texas! A long-lost relative, no doubt.

From that point on, I was scouring the show for clues of our undoubted relatedness (ok, not even a word. Oh, wait. Apparently it IS a word).

Let’s see….

Melissa wants to get back into modeling after a 15-year hiatus.

work it — How on earth is this considered "plus size?" UGH.

ME: Yeah, I have never entertained any modeling illusions whatsoever. Although, I do have the over-bloated confidence of a model most days.

Melissa is an overbearing mother who won’t let her 15-year-old daughter date.

ME: Petunia can date whoever she wants. I don’t care, as long as they feed her. That cat can put the kibble away, if you know what I mean.

Toons — "I'm going to eat your face off while you sleep."

Melissa cries when an agent suggests she might need to be a plus-sized model.

ME: Cool. Is the pay the same?

So yeah, not a lot of similarities, I guess. Probably not related. So I guess I better not hit her up for money or modeling advice or anything.